Not to be gross or anything, but turns out there are twenty seven different kinds of magical feces (not to be confused with regular excrement that comes from magical beings, there's a big difference). And there may be even more, but thats how many I became closely acquainted with my first night at St. Hernadines.
It didn't start out so bad. Acquisitions is where everyone usually starts out at when they come in through the gates, and consequently it was more like a carnival than a sick ward. One man had tried to cut his fingernails with a potion that had so much skunkrat in it, he blew all his fingers off and had to have them recreated with flox-twine. He kept trying to convince Dr. Hagler to make his hands bigger and stronger than they were, and Dr. Hagler kept trying to explain that flox-twine really only latches on correctly to memories and that it wouldn't "take" if he redesigned them differently.
A little girl came in with a balloon... in her stomach. I guess she got into a dare with her brother (I wanted to ask if she won or lost).
An old witch who reminded me of Nanny Milgrin came in complaining her feet were hurting her something fierce. They told her it was old age, gave her a salve to rub on it and sent her home. I asked why we didn't do a pain relieving spell and a second year apprentice told me it was because you can't help but absorb some of the density of a person you were doing the spell on.
So? I asked. I'd done lots of those spells at Hogswallow, and besides feeling a little hungover for a few minutes as you contemplated the weight of the world, it wasn't really that bad.
The old lady was a forest witch though, and apparently they've done such terrible things that no one can handle doing a pain relieving spell on them without going into a coma. I felt bad though as she hobbled away. She waited three hours for a salve she probably could have made with the what was growing in her front yard.
And so I didn’t mind helping wherever I could, even if that meant ensorcelling bedpans. The problem was, when you have a spell or potion go wrong (which is usually what brings someone to acquisitions), it affects the whole body. The gentleman who blew his fingers off with skunkrat, also gave himself highly volatile body fluids. Every time I tried to clean his bedpan, it exploded into a ball of blue fire. It finally took two of us first years, and an attending to ever so cautiously spell it into a docile enough state to ensorcell away.
And the little girl with a balloon? Yeah, the spell that magicked the balloon inside of her, also sent everything else into hiding. Every time I tried to grab her bedpan, it disappeared and reappeared somewhere else. (which is how they got the balloon out of her...they challenged it to a game of hide and seek and talked it right into an anti magic box).
Chasing a playfully mischievous bedpan around for hours, was not exactly what I thought it would be like working here. But every time I started to feel like my feet wouldn’t hold up my legs any more, or my stomach couldn’t turn itself inside out any more (thankfully nothing on me was magicked or charmed in any way so I used the regular facilities like a sane person).
But I had finally met my match. A bed pan that wouldn’t stop chasing me around. Dr. Hagler the attending had even tried to coax the determined thing away from me, but it was more tenacious than a hellhound. And no one could even figure out why it had its sights set on me! It had been under the bed the old Forest witch had been in, and it was empty! She hadn’t even used it. There was no reason it should be chasing me around, and worse whenever it caught up to me, it tried to bonk me in the head.
I was currently locked away in the library, because the library was so protected by a thousand spells, even I knew all the way in Hogswallow that not even an army of mountain giants could break into it. Of course it felt more like a punishment. Dr. Hagler had looked like the last thing she needed on her plate was a useless first year who couldn’t even handle bedpan duty. Better to just send me away than have me creating more work for everyone else.
And that’s how I escaped Flynn’s bedpan assignment, which I realize now was so naive of me in the first place. When I asked him what I should do after cleaning bedpans...ha. As if there was ever an end to them. He must think I’m not only a siren, but the least intelligent one of my species. Or maybe he thinks we’re all that dumb. Whatever, I don’t care.
“Did you see that young Dr. in the cafeteria?”
I was trying to research forest witches and the library was full of other students studying...or talking about Flynn. You know, potatoe puhtatoe.
“I heard he came here as a baby.”
“I heard he was the smartest apprentice they’ve ever had...and he was only twelve years old.”
“Do you know if he’s seeing anyone?”
“My roommate is convinced he’s taking her to that silver dance over at Carlyles next Saturday, but I think she’s trying to speak that into existence.”
They both chuckled as they walked away where I couldn’t hear them anymore. I tried to concentrate on the page in front of me. I didn’t care if Dr. Flynn Cargill got his black robe at twelve of twenty...was he even twenty? He looked so young, it wasn’t fair.
But no! Forest witches and pernicious bedpans! That’s what I was here in the library for.
“The Forest is the cumulative group of udigerous trees found to foster the grumpuctious form of magic best practiced by trolls and other creatures unclassified as workers of the night, but otherwise notable for the same types of magical activity.”
The book was titled “Cursed Roots” and had knobby carrot looking things twindling all through the cover.
“While udigerous trees are most often found in groups, and can thrive anywhere, there is none so dense a populace as the infamous Forest bordering Cracker Bogen. The relationship between the two is tumultuous at best, with the Forest fueling unsavory activity in the lesser regions of the big city. However plans to remove the forest have met with derision and opposition with theories as to the loyalty and trustworthiness of upper council members being called into question. In the third century, the treaty of Lagur was made to protect the forest as long as the citizens of Cracker Bogen experienced a certain level of security as spelled out in sections one a and b of the treaty.”
“What are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to be cleaning bedpans?”
I snapped the book shut. It was Cristina.
She and Lox were hot and sweaty and were wrestling a big book between them that looked like it was made out of a dripping sponge with a fight or flight complex.
“I kinda got exiled here.” I said. Cristina raised one eyebrow. “Long story.” I said waving my hand, which was starting to feel like it was made out of lead. Was it breakfast time yet?
“Wow, you got the the gallow snap that fast?” Lox said with a grin.
It really was abysmal the more I thought about it. I was starting to realize how bad it was I’d been chased off of the floor by a bedpan my first night. “Well, maybe Cristina can have my room all to herself after all.” I said, hoping my attempt at a smile would distract them from the tears I was waging war against.
“Oh please, don’t be such a dundel wort. Lox’s teasing you. You’re already practically a legend. We heard all the way up in Dires that you made Dr. Hagler give a real honest to goodness forest witch some sort of powerful potion.”
“Meanwhile that Dr. Centaur dude has us meticulously logging fungi readings on seafward cyclops the size of the cafeteria. “ Lox said. “I have to feed him iron fence posts for snacks just so he won't eat the bed. Trust me, you’d rather be you.”
They obviously hadn’t heard about the bedpan chasing scene.
“Come with us, we’re supposed to deliver this book to Dr. Steamy and Tad.” Cristina said. “You can ask him what he wants you to do now.”
“Yeah, Tad got to scrub in on a silver arrow removal on a Lichen.” Tad said. “Lucky bastard.”
“Thanks guys.” I said, trying not to be too shocked at how nice they were being. “But I can’t leave here without meeting my demise via portable toilet.”
“I think you’re just annoyed Dr. Steamy didn’t fall for your charms the moment he met you.” Cristina said with a snort. “But suit yourself, we’ll remember to visit you here in your book laden tomb.”
“She’s joking, we’ll be too busy curing people and making a difference in the world.” Lox said, winking as they dragged the book out between them.
Ah yes, that seemed more like it.
As the heavy doors to the library started to close, I caught a glimpse of a certain bedpan hiding in the corner. It leaped up and hurled itself against the crack in the almost closed doors, but it was repelled with a pop of magic. It shook itself off and tried again.
I slid down onto the floor. There were only thirty six million books in here and the answer had to be somewhere.
Tomb indeed.
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