Never steal rocks from vampires

I'm just going to take a moment to chill and reflect on what's happening...

Oh, who am I kidding.  I'm stuck in a hall, outside a very important looking door, in a castle that's a hospital, but looks more like a city.   There are candles that take you places and goodness knows how you know which candle takes you to which place, consequently I couldn't get out of here if my life depended on it.  I think I may have noticed that tall willowy candles went up and short drippy candles took us down, but really that's all conjecture on my part, and I hate bad conjecture. 

...just like I hate not knowing.   There's a reason I know all the ways you can reverse a smelling spell, and it's not because Tommy Hill walked around smelling roses to the point it annoyed me so much I had to fix it.  The thing is, I feel like a little girl in the way again, and I worked really hard to not be that girl anymore.   Hallways with closed doors though, have a way of making you feel like you're trespassing.

Although...

While I'm here all alone (this is where I check nervously over my shoulder both ways to make sure) maybe I should shave off a little of the floor here.  It seemed like such a simple idea back in Hogswallow but now it feels like the walls are scowling at me,   I took out my wand. and the floor jerked back like a patient about to get poked.    Before I realized what I was doing, I was sitting cross legged on the floor patting it reassuringly.  "It will just be a tiny prick and then it will be over."   Ok ok, so maybe I was going slightly insane.   

Nevertheless, the floor didn't seem quite so reticent anymore (I wouldn't say we're the best of friends yet or anything), I wasn't having any luck getting so much as a granule off the stone floor.  First I tried "tenabris tenabrae" but I should have realized a standard cutting spell wasn't going to accomplish much in a magical force of this size.   I moved on to something I would use to clip a toenail off a baby.  "Princiopio", it was practically a lullaby.  But the floor seemed offended by that.   I chewed my lip (since there was no one here to annoy)  chin in hand.  When I closed my eyes I could almost pretend I was in a meadow, my back up against an oak tree instead of a wall....fields and fields of dandelions swaying in the warm breeze.   Hmmmm.  Maybe that was it.  I changed the cutting spell slightly so it was less "bloody surgery" and more "picking a bouquet of beautiful flowers"  and whoa!  I barely had to put any oomph into that spell the floor practically offered itself up, like it wanted to be useful.  

I would have enjoyed this moment and chatted a bit more with the floor (I'd say we'd moved past the acquaintance stage and were heading towards the chummy pal stage)  when unfortunately the happy moment was interrupted by one of those awful awful throat clearing noises.   And let me just say, no one can do a throat clear quite like a thousand year old vampire.   It sort of reaches down to the grave, back in bloody time, and then returns to the present to mock you for being a tiny insignificant gnat  (which is even smaller than a fruit fly). 

So after I looked up and confirmed to my panicking brain that yes indeed there was a very old vampire standing in front of me, I did pretty much the stupidest thing I could have done.    I blame the whole "stuck in the hallway feeling like I'm ten again" because I hid the rock behind my back.  

Yeah.  That was brilliant. 

The worst part was, the ancient vampire didn't say anything!  Not a word.  He just pointed to the door I'd been previously shut out of, and now had no desire reverse that.  It was by far the worst thing he could have done, because now I had to keep wondering what he was going to say and do.  Also, it's awkward to walk with your hand behind your back, but what was I supposed to do?  Laugh and be all "oh whoops, this chunk of stone seems to have accidentally wanted itself hidden behind my back."

I followed him through the door of course, even though my better judgement was telling me to kick up my feet and try a hand a self preservation.  Vampires were like that though.  They were almost worse than sirens at getting you to do what they wanted you to do. 

The first warning sign was my mother.  Or rather, the lack of my mother.  She definitely went in the door and didn't come back out.   There was a glass tumbler very full of deep red liquid with another full decanter on an elaborate silver tray.  I was so busy staring at it (thinking the obvious) that it was a miracle my ears worked well enough to hear the vampire say "sit down" and that my legs were working well enough to comply.  My heart definitely had given up any pretense of obedience and was barely working (or over working...which is the same problem when it comes to hearts). 

If I had been thinking clearly I would have thought this was my last moment on earth.  If I had been thinking even more clearly, I would have realized that the master of a hospital full of hundreds of people, didn't need to lure a gray little siren in for food.  Of course if I was thinking really really clearly maybe he had a thing for innocent young girls (most vampires do, right? or is that a cliche).... but I digress.   The point was, he wasn't actually eating me...yet, and something in my brain was slowly and cautiously testing out a new theory.  "hey, maybe this ancient man just wants to have a chat with us."

"Your mother is fine child."  The man said.  The way he said "child" wasn't offensive at all.  Probably even ol Wizard Ozarks or Nanny Milgrin would seem like a child to him.  

"She's working in the laundry room for a few hours while she waits for your decision."

My mother work in the laundry room?  He should have picked a better lie.  I eyed the dark decanter suspiciously again.  

"She may not have had much of a choice in the matter." He said coughing a little.  I couldn't fathom him ever smiling, but his cough seemed a little smirky if I had to label it with something. 

"I don't believe you."  I said. Which was about as stupid as the hand currently holding the rock behind my back. 

He didn't reply.  Thankfully? 

"I'm sorry about the floor.  Please."  I said, shoving it towards him.  I never was good at tact.  I had been trying to come up with a more creative way out of this situation, but apparently plunging straight ahead was the flavor of the day. 

This time I got an eyebrow raise from him.  "You got a St. Hernadine to give you a piece of itself?"  He stroked his beard and gave me a the kind of look that made me immediately look at the ground.   I was really in trouble now.  The way he said "St. Hernadine" made me feel like he was talking about a beloved hunting dog or something. 

"I may have spelled it sir."  I said. 


He didn't reply to that either.

"I hear our correspondence with you...met with some delay."  He said, opening a drawer.  "Do me the honor of letting me rectify that dubious mistake."  He handed a piece of paper across to me, and when I didn't take it, but rather continued my best impression of mouth open, round eyed fish out of water, he set it on the desk between us.  It was identical to the letter stuck on our shop counter.  The "Lucille Wilkes" again stitched itself solid into the wood.  

I knew I had all those spells I wanted to try on it, and all the ideas I'd had to get it unstuck while I was out in the backyard with a pig in my lap, but now that all seemed so silly.   This was far bigger magic that I was capable of dealing with (and don't ask me how I knew that...I just knew). 

He sighed, like someone disappointed with a toddler who couldn't complete a simple puzzle.  "Pick it up."

It was a command.  Definitely a command (something I intensely dislike but am rather used to), so instead of explaining how I wasn't nearly good enough at magic to do anything of that sort, I just sort of obeyed out of habit and picked it up.

Which is why I promptly dropped it in surprise.  

The vampire didn't say anything,  he just continued to look very grave and stern.  I set the chunk of stone floor down on the desk (which made a far louder thunk than I intended) and I meekly picked up the letter and read it.

"Dear Miss Wilkes.  
                    It is with great pleasure that we inform you of your acceptance into the St. Hernadine's medical internship program for young magicals.     Your credentials and skills are of the highest caliber and we are pleased to offer you a position among other gifted young students like yourself.   We look forward to your arrival.  

                                     Sincerely, 
                                             Dr. F. E. Groats,
                                            Chief of Ill-gotten Spells and Ancient Epidemics "

I laughed.  Not because it was funny, but because I was a bottle full of conflicting confusions all shaken up, and when that happens you have no control over which one spills out the top first.    

"Interesting."   The vampire said, when it became apparent inappropriate laughter was the only response he was going to get at the moment.   "Your mother seemed to be under the impression you would immediately turn it down."

And I probably would have... probably should have.  It's better to turn something down and retain your dignity and pride, than to foolishly plow head long into something where you know you will soon be found a fraud and kicked out in disgrace. 

But the stone.  The darn floor.  It was practically humming with puppy dog expectation.   It wanted me to stay, or at least it seemed like it wanted me to stay.  It's really hard to tell with something that can't move of talk. 

And so without thinking it through.  Without realizing what I was doing.  Without thinking what this meant for my own flesh and blood mother.   I breathlessly blurted out "No sir, I would be honored."   And just like that my life went from a straight and straightforward highway in the country, to careening down treacherous switchbacks at breakneck speed in the fog. 

And that is why you should never steal rocks from vampires.