I didn't pee my pants and even Vampires meet their match

I thought I was going to dedicate at least a brief moment to wallowing and regretting my decision, but I didn't have time.  After taking a suicidal tangent where I demanded that Master Dartor send my stolen stone to Ol' Wizard Ozarks (Master Dartor being ancient vampire who's study I was just in and who's hospital this is) I found myself whisked downstairs.  I paid extra close attention this time to which candles went where, but I only got more confused.  Did some of the candles have tinted flames?  Did the precise amount of meltedness have anything to do with it? Who knows.   Lets hope no ones well being depends on my getting anywhere.  

I had pictured an emotional and tearful goodbye with my mother.  Maybe she would even rest her hands on my shoulders like a blessing and say something like "do me proud daughter"  (or is it only father's who say that kind of thing to their sons?)  Whatever the case, she wasn't in the laundry when I went looking for her, and the washerwoman in charge looked rather grim when I asked after her.  There was a lot of huffing and snorting, and hands on hips before I got enough useful information to realize that my mother had already left.  Gone back home without me.  

For a brief second my feet twitched and I almost ran to try to catch up with mother.  St. Hernadine's was just so... (there are no words for how huge and terrifying it is).   But before I could act on my twitchy feet, a set of green robes were pulled over my head, a cloth sack was thrust in my hands and I found myself being carried along in a veritable sea of similarly colored robes. 

Where we were going I wasn't sure, which wasn't a good sign.  I hated to be all selfish and whiny, but where were my instructions?  The people in charge telling me what to do? 

  I hate being late to even something as superficial as a party.  It feels like everyone is already having fun and no matter what I do, I will remain on the outside looking in if I'm there after everyone else.  This was like that, but a hundred times worse.  Like the nightmares you have where you can't find your underwear and you're running through the town square yelling out pumpkin pox wards.

We all filled out into a large Hall with tapestries that immediately felt like waggly eyebrows.  I waggled my eyebrows back.  A short stocky boy gave me a perplexed look.  Whoops!  I forgot that most people would assume you were making eyes at them and not the tapestry behind them.   

I studiously stared off in a different direction, hoping the boy wouldn't come over and talk to me.  A tall Centaur strode to the center of the great hall, he had a black robe draped across his shoulders which were frankly way too powerful looking to belong to someone who spent all their time inside pouring over books and remedies.  

"You all think you're something special being chosen to apprentice here at St. Hernadine's"  The centaur was saying.  

"A few days ago you kids were maybe a low level whisperer for some midwife, or an assistant to a small village healer.   You think you're big stuff because you cured some little snotty nosed pixie child of the demon pox when a grown up buffoon in your country village couldn't figure it out." 

He looked straight at me, and I burned in shame.  Yes, that was probably (definitely) me. 

"But as of today you are officially insignificant gargoyle snot in the most prestigious magical institution in the world.  The next six months will determine whether you deserve a chance to become something more than self-righteously ignorant and unintelligent."  

I already felt as insignificant as one possibly could feel.  Everyone looked like they had way more experience than I.  

"Look around you.  These fellow students of yours are not your friends.  They are your competition.  Half of you will give up and go home.  Another ten percent of you will pick easier lives within the magical world and brag about how you used to toil here.  Three percent of you will be expelled... And every single one of you will kill someone. "

The hall was silent.  I was surprised half of them didn't turn around and walk out right there, I was even more surprised my own feet stayed firmly planted on the ground.  Apparently self preservation wasn't a quality I valued anymore.  

"I heard he gives that speech to every new class."  A vampire girl with black hair said moving next to me.

She was talking to me?  

  "Hi, I'm Cristina," she said "and you're turning green."  

I quickly shoved my hands in my pocket.  "sorry...."  

"Don't take Professor Mac seriously... he almost never kicks anyone out, I heard they even let a siren in this year," Cristina said.  

If she was trying to make me feel better, she was certainly accomplishing the opposite of that. I blushed and stared at a loose thread on my green robe for lack of a better way to melt into the floor and away from this person. 

She didn't get the hint.

"Are you that uppity witch from East Bend?" She said "You're way prettier than I was expecting."  

"No, I'm Lucy" I said, hoping that she wouldn't ask me anything else.  

Wishful thinking.  She whipped a piece of parchment out and started examining it. "Lucille Billatra? No, you're definitely not a fairy.....Lucille Throng?  No...I went to rehab with her..."

 There was a list?  Of course she had a list. 

" Ah, you must be Lucille Wilkes..."  she said, "...oh."  

Enter supreme awkwardness while I watched the realization cross the vampire girls face. 

Maybe at least now she would leave? But no, more people needed to join this conversation to make it even more uncomfortable
.  
 A tow headed, gangly boy who looked more like he should be licking a lolly  and following his nanny came over and joined us.   He had such  look of hopeful expectation on his face, I wished I could have warned him we weren't the cool crowd he wanted in with.   

"So I was told to come over here with you guys,  I guess we all lucked out getting assigned to The Ogre."  He said glumly holding out his piece of parchment.  

Where was everyone getting this list?   Was I the only one who had no clue what was going on? 

"I hear he's hard, and a total pain in the ass, but he always picks the best students."  Cristina said, biting her lip and looking at the two of us worriedly.  "I'm going to go check the list again."     

I wanted to pat the poor boy on the head when she left, it wasn't his fault we were single handedly destroying this Cristina's dream of being star pupil.   I bet she was at this moment asking someone why she'd been put with us, and if she could be switched.

"I'm Tamodeous."  The gangly boy said "I saw you and your mother when you were coming in, but I didn't get the chance to introduce myself." 

Oh lovely, anything you could say about sirens, applied times ten for my mother.   I can't imagine what he saw, but I'm sure it was sealing my reputation even more.  I didn't think I could possibly have felt any more mortified than I had with Cristina, but I guess I needed to set new standards for this day.    

"Uhh..." I said.

"That's all right" he said quickly.  "You looked like you were busy."

If by 'busy' he meant, trying to keep my mother from bedazzling the floor wardens as we made our way to Master Dartor, then he definitely hit it on the head.  

"I'm Lucy."  I said again.  Like a cookoo bird popping out of a clock.  "I'm Lucy...  I'm Lucy.... yes, I'm Lucy Wilkes."  It was a whirlwind of introductions.   On our team we also had Victoria who was the "uppity witch from East Bend"  and Lox a half demon who I liked instantly because his skin was a light shade of a green.  

No one said anything about me being a siren, and I was relieved.  I was used to Sirens being if not well loved, then at least admired and respected.    I felt like the current insinuations of my low intelligence weren't fair...until Victoria pulled her parchment list out of the sack tied around her waist...the same kind of sack I had been given earlier.  Ahem.  Yes, I definitely deserved to be here. 

I pulled my list out sheepishly making careful note that there were also packets of powders, a few different sized wands and a stone that I immediately recognized as being a piece of the castle. 

Bravo Team:  Dr. Groats

Cristina Headopher- Eastern Vampire-  Tower 409
Loxadulus Barren - Mixed Hellborn - Tower 667
Tamodeous Childers -  Delfour Wizard - Tower 667
Victorian Suthers-   Mitigous Witch-  Tower 409
Lucille Wilkes-  Siren - Tower 401

 On the back of the parchment was a map? At least I both hoped it was and wasn't... it looked a bit like someone had spilled ink and let a large family of mice run through it.   The biggest give away was the yellow dot squarely in the middle of a small open space marked "lower hall #47".   When I moved two steps forward, it moved a smidgeon.    It was a sign of my awe inspiring intelligence that I was worried I'd end up more lost WITH the map than without it.  

"I hope one of you had the decency to claim our team the front seats in the cafeteria."  Cristina said, gracing us with her presence again.   I guess she didn't have much luck getting rid of us.  Bummer. She seemed like such a lovely person.

"I did." Tamodeos raised his hand tentatively like he was asking her permission to speak.  

"Right." Christina said, not even looking his way.  "And I'm not calling you Tamodeous by the way, I broke up with a pimply faced moron by that name and I refuse to be stuck saying it every day for... "  She pursed her lips.  "...who knows how long.  I hereby proclaim you to be Tad."  

I laughed.  Like I said, it often came out at the most inappropriate times.  

"Oh, how typical of a siren." She said, turning towards me.  

There weren't any vampires in Hogswallow and I guess their reputation of being as tempermental as a glass violin was true.  I shrugged my shoulders and tried to ignore her.  That's what you were supposed to do, right?

" Everythings all tinkly giggles and sultry eyes with you guys. "  She said.  "Watch your goods boys, or she'll have you for lunch."  

Tamodeous...er Tad, took a sudden interest in the ground.  Lox winked at me.  

I wasn't going to say anything, but the wink triggered the snippy voice I usually tried to keep on lock down.  "Don't worry, I haven't seen anything worth a siren's time."  I said, before clapping a virtual hand over my mouth and turning a distinct shade of green.  

"Don't think being a siren will gain you any favors here."  A rumbly voice said behind me.   

I didn't want to turn around.  Really didn't want to turn around.  This of course would be the infamous Dr. Groats who was to be my instructor, professor, god, leader, father figure and who knew what else and I had just done my level best to give a good and oh-so accurate representation of myself.  Blurgh. They'd probably lock me in a chastity belt and give all the boys cow eyed antidotes after this.  

 But the rest were all staring (He was probably disgustingly handsome as well),  and I couldn't keep my back to him forever.

He was a woman.   A really ugly small woman.  

I mean, I should take that back since ugly is usually a negative description, but she wore it more efficiently than anyone or anything I had ever met.  It made you want to be ugly too. 

 She.    

Tad's eyebrows were disappearing into his side parted hair, and Cristina was rendered speechless.  Clearly I wasn't the only one doing a mental one-eighty.  All the ogre's I knew at home were cave scroungers, or farmers at the very best.  

She took in our shocked silence with a raised eyebrow and smirk.  "Yes, 'The Ogre' is really an ogre...shocking I know."  She said wryly.   

Victoria recovered first which just went to show you how truly dumbfounded Cristina must have been. I smothered the laugh in time this time. 

"Dr. Groat, It's so nice to meet you, I'm Victoria and a big fan of..."  

"I have one rule."  Dr. Groats said.  I had no problem thinking of her as a dr.  In fact I wouldn't have been surprised if you told me Master Dardor deferred his hardest decisions to her.  She practically oozed respect and competence.  It made me feel like a cheap shade of lipstick and for the first time today I actually was mortified I was a siren. 

"Rule number one, I am always right."  She stopped for a moment to see if anyone disagreed.  Of course no one did.

"Rule number two, if I am ever wrong, refer to rule number one."  She said  "Any questions?"

It was a miracle we all dared breath.  I didn't know about anyone else, I had a million questions running through my head, but who wanted to be the person to attract her wrath?  Demon boy had more nerves than the rest of us.  Or maybe he didn't have any nerves at all (do demons have nerves?)  He rose his hand "Are those the only rules?"  he smirked.  

We all collectively sucked the oxygen out of the air and held our breaths.  

"Yes, Apprentice Barren is it?"  She said "Congratulations, you've learned all there is to know.  You can go home now." 

The smirk disappeared.  "I worked hard to..."

"Apology accepted.  Work doubly hard from now on" 

She pulled a quill pen out of her robe and yanked up his sleeve.  

None of us moved. 

 She slashed a bunch of marks on his forearm that looked a little like they were once letters but had ceased to be drawn carefully enough to be called such.  She yanked up my sleeve next.  The ink burned and then disappeared.   I rubbed the spot where it had been as she moved on down the line.  

 "These are your calling summons"  She said.  "They'll tell you where you need to be, and when you need to be there.  If I call you, you come running."   She finished with Cristina and started walking away. her strides were surprisingly long for how stocky she was, we all had to run to catch up.  Christina and Victoria exchanged a look and I tried not to feel left out. 

"The short candles go up, the tall candles go down, the wax dribblets on the right indicate what floor you're on, the wax dribblets on the left indicate which floor that candle goes to.  Memorize them.  I don't need some patient dying because it takes you twenty minutes to figure out how to get from Maladies to Dires.  Got it?" 

 

We all nodded.  My nod was more one of terror. Surely she was joking.  If innocent sick people were going to be at the mercy of my candle mapping skills, I would soon be strung up for manslaughter.  Yes, take a breath, surely she was joking.    

"St Hernadines is divided into three major sections.  The weak, ailing and dying.  Every patient in every wing will be treated with the same respect as if it were Mastor Dartor himself laying on that bed.  You are not here to judge whether or not kissing a frog in the light of the full moon was a good idea or not.   You are here to work.  And then maybe after work you can work some more, and if you feel like you've been working too much and it's not fair, then you can always work."

This time it was Christina who rose her hand.  "When will we study?  I mean, the library is supposed to be open to everyone no matter..."

"I know you're a cute little vampire, but I really don't like you."  Dr.  Groat interrupted her.

 We all stopped walking.  I don't think a lot of vampires were used to being told things like that... at least not without blood shed. Tad almost looked like he was searching for some place to take cover.  Victoria stepped behind Lox who'd grown very still. 

"You think I don't know you tried to get yourself reassigned?" Dr. Groats told Cristina who was turning very white even for a vampire.   "Is the idea of being under an ogre more than you can handle?  You can wipe that disgusted look off your face, or I can make it permanent by assigning you bed pan duty in the geriatric satyr wing"  Dr. Groat said.  She didn't wait for Cristina to reply.   

"Rounds are in two hours, I suggest you drop your stuff in your rooms and don't eat too much at dinner.  No one ever keeps it their first night.  Classes start tomorrow, syllabuses and times will be assigned based on..."

Dr. Groat stopped, pulled up her sleeve then disappeared.

We all stared at the bare spot where she'd just been.  

I had a feeling life was about to get far more interesting than pig feet in the garden.

.