Scratchy balls, hot wizards and bedpans.

“The Ogre hates me.”  Victoria wailed, as we were dished up our food.  

“I think the Ogre hates everyone. “  I said, although I imagined she particularly hated sirens, just like everyone else around here.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”    

Cristina peered at the lumpy pasty coloured contents of her bowl.  

Yeah, it wasn’t exactly pancakes.  

“I want what he’s having.”   She pointed to another vampire wearing navy robes sipping from a fancy goblet.  

“help yourself.”  The dinner warden smiled, gesturing to a large buffet of...rocks?

“It’s a test.”  Lox said, sliding his tray next to ours as we sat down in an empty booth and cleared a spot on the table. (everything in the cafeteria was covered in books and parchments, a fact that secretly both thrilled and horrified me.  They could just leave this stuff laying around?  Unbelievable.)

“Rumor on the guys floor is the last person to pass gets kicked out.”  

“What are we supposed to do?” I asked, testing a bite of the sludge like porridge.  It wasn’t that bad.  It was like eating socks...clean socks, a very wool and soap kind of experience.  It reminded me of some truffle bruschetta I had at a family reunion one time.  Except in that case I expected it to taste grandiose and was disappointed, and in this case I was expecting feet and got socks instead, so really it was an improvement.   But a test?  I prefered my evaluations to have a few more boundaries with a clear cut expectation or two.  “Memorize these three books and write a one hundred and eleven paged paper citing at least five different experts” would be better than “here’s a bowl of porridge and ….GO!”.   It took all the joy out of eating socks.  

“I think it’s probably a basic food transformation spell.”  Victoria said, she was had her head upside down under the table, reading the spines on the stack of books nearest her.  “Do you think they left the answers somewhere here for us to find?”  

“No, I think people here just like to read while they eat.”  Cristina said  “What do they think we are, farm girls and service maids?”  

“Let me guess.  You’ve never so much as blown your nose before.”  Lox said.  

“Vampires don’t have snot.”  Cristina said.  “and I bet you five rubies Lucy can make us something edible before you can.”  

“I don’t have five ru…”  I started to say.

“Oh shut up Wilkes, you’ll win...don’t sirens eat fancy crap all the time?  I don’t even think they eat in hell, do they?.”  

“Fine.”  Lox said  “Easiest ten rubies I’ll ever earn.” he smirked at me.

“But I thought she said five…”

“Wilkes agrees to ten.”  Cristina said flicking a spoonful of porridge Lox’s direction.

Ok fine,  we were really doing this.  Except I had no idea what “this” was.  “You better have ten rubies for him, otherwise I’m selling some of your pillows.”  I said, pulling out my wand.  I was going to try an anti glimmer spell first.  Maybe they’d just disguised the food.  One could hope, right?  .

“Verbumitus corpinicus absolu….”

“Oh my gosh”  Victoria grabbed my wand hand, sending the spell crashing into a pile of parchment the next table over that promptly turned into a pile of apples.  Huh.

“Wilkes wins!”  Cristina said, pumping the air in a victory dance.  

“She cheated.”  Lox said.  “Victoria helped her.”  

“Stop whining, you’re just a…”

“...don’t turn around now, but I think I just saw my future husband.”  Victoria said, thankfully interrupting Cristina and Lox.  She squealed and pretended to fan herself.

“Seriously?”  Cristina said.  “What are you, thirteen?”  She turned around “Oh wow, don’t look now Wilkes, but he is really steaming hot even by vampire standards.”   

Lox rolled his eyes,  I started to turn around but Cristina stopped me.  “I said don’t turn around! What...you want him to get a big head?  He’s probably used to all the first years swooning over him, lets be different.”

Yeah, I was pretty sure that ship had sailed.  

It’s really hard not to turn around under circumstances like this, I’m pretty sure your neck is on a pre-programmed rubber band that whips around whenever it’s told not to.  But it’s also very difficult to turn around when a vampire has your arm.   Impossible in fact.  

“What did I miss?”  Tad said, sitting his bowl of porridge down at our table and joining us.  

“The girls are swooning over some stupid professor dude”.  Lox said sullenly  “They’d fall over anything wearing a black robe.”  

“Actually, black isn’t the only color worn by professors here at St. Hernadines.”  Tad said “There’s also red robes for the physicists and apothacarians and I hear Master Dartor wears a white robe.”   

“Actually, he was wearing just a plain brown tunic.” I said without thinking.  Which was stupid because now everyone was staring at me with their mouths open.

“Figures.”  Cristina said disgusted.  

“Wow, you’ve met Master Dartor” Tad asked.  

“He’s coming this way!” Victoria squealed.   

“Master Dartor?”  Tad asked.  

“No! Steamy Dr. Wizard...Future Mr. Victoria....quick,  act like we’re eating.”

Which we were, but I didn’t point that out, because I chose that moment to actually turn around and take inventory of this specimen of flesh that had both Victoria and Cristina melting like butter.  

It was him.  

Him.

As in uppity wizard boy with the letter who I attempted to curse with a scrotum and rectum rash.  

He was wearing a black robe.  Of course.

If I had thought about it there were three ways a normal person would have reacted.  They would have either feigned complete and utter ignorance, addressed it like a man (woman?) and confronted it head on "hey dude, so sorry about the rashy balls, we're all good, right?", or they would have run, found an excuse and left.    I of course could think of none of these things as we locked eyes and got stuck staring at each other...me in horror.   Him...well, I couldn't tell what he was thinking. But he recognized me that's for sure.  Groan.

.  

He recovered first.  "Flynn Cargill.  Dr. Groats had an emergency gemheart repair on a razordred dragon and assigned me to you five.  You’re mine for the night.”

Was it just my imagination, or did that last sentence sound foreboding?

Victoria looked like she would happily mop floors for the rest of her life for him.   I was still doing my best impression of a bat in wandlight.  Something Cristina picked up on with lightening speed.

“Let me guess, you two already know each other.”  She said, glancing between the two of us.  The way she said it made me want to give a strangled laugh and assure her it wasn’t what she was thinking at all.  

“I don’t particularly make it a point to know Sirens.”  Flynn Cargill said oh so cooly.  The words practically had frostbite.  

Of course he didn’t.  No one here did.  It was the one thing I had indeed figured out quite loud and clear.   So why did it not bother me that my room was currently covered in pink leopard print by a squatter vampire who despised sirens, but one word from uppity wizard boy and my heart turned to ice in my chest.  

Bah, I was better than this.  

“Headopher and Barren.  You two have Dires tonight.  You will be watching and observing.  No wands.”   Flynn said.

Cristina and Lox sat up straighter.  Dires.  That was where all the serious cases were.  

“Suthers, you’re in the fairy nursery.”  

Victoria flashed him her most charming smile like babies were her life long aspiration.  

“Tad, you’re with me, and Wilkes you have bedpan duty in acquisitions.”  

Someone snickered.  It was probably Cristina.  So that’s how he was going to play.

Part of me wanted to melt into a pathetic puddle of remorse and embarrassment and give up.  This was too exhausting.  Why stay here when clearly no one wanted me?   But the other part rallied and the stabbing cold in my heart turned into righteous anger.    

I tried to copy Victoria’s smile, although I think I probably looked more like a bedraggled gremlin.

“And after that?” I asked.  

He grit his teeth.  “I’m sure that’s all you’ll have time for.”  

Fine then. Challenge accepted.  Cleaning bedpans couldn’t be that bad, right?  A hardy pair of gloves and a few decent cleaning spells and I’ll be fine. 

Double Spires, Toils and Dires

I'm glad I'm a siren, even if I am a poor one.   I used to look at people like Tad and Victoria as if they'd won some sort of cosmic lottery.   The type that got to eat pancakes and ride their broomsticks underwater in the pond while I was learning to talk without a lisp and recognize the difference between a skin firming potion and a skin softening potion.   When Mother and I shopped for the latest fashions, I used to peer in toy store windows and imagine what it would be like to play with rubber duckies that really quacked and ate bubbles out of your hand (instead of learning which colors brought out my eyes and which made me look like I was dying of consumption).  

The pancake thing though...I'd  had an obsession with pancakes for awhile.  Sirens eat things like grilled okra with a hint of lime on a bed of sea cucumber, and I had a crazy notion that if I ate pancakes everything about my life would change.  So one morning after sneaking a look at a client's "Witchkeeping For Holidays" I tried to follow the recipe and doubling spell for blueberry pancakes listed in the "fail proof breakfasts your kids will love".   I measured every ingredient twice and practiced the doubling spell quite vigorously. I didn't know though, that food charms are really easy to do and really hard to stop.   Mother came down for coffee and found me smashed up against the pantry door crying for help, pinned by a torrential explosion of blueberry goodness.   You'd think I would have kept a respectful distance from pancakes after that, but I never was very good at knowing when I was beat.  (I'm told it's all about the wrist flick....not that I've kept trying or anything).

 Once I made the mistake of asking about my Father.  It's not that it was a taboo subject or some kind of scandalous secret, it's that Sirens don't have fathers.  Oh sure, we come into existence the regular way everyone else does, but sirens are a strictly female species and proud of it.   It’s super rare for a siren to get married, they (er...we) like men...but more like exotic pets than a help mate you want to pick your nose and clip your nails around.    It's hard to explain, but my asking about my father was tantamount to me throwing away my entire heritage.  Like I’d scrubbed off my skin, gouged out my eyes and tried to become a werewolf or something.     I was five though, and saw a little witch riding on her daddy’s shoulders as an ice cream cone floated up and down between the two of them, and well… I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to want that.  

And I felt like that again as I walked through the modest wooden door of my new room.   I saw the plain bunkbeds, stone basin and linen curtains and immediately felt tingles down to my toes.  They say you can’t feel magic unless you’re born to it, but I swear I felt more magic with this plain old witchy stuff than I did with the lush cashmere bedsheets and silken window hangings that were my birthright at home.

“I’m moving in with you.  Victoria stinks… as in literally smells like an old Rinthaven woman with a garlic addiction.”  Cristina said, coming in unannounced.  She was pushing the largest chest I’d ever seen and at least a half dozen various sized packages bouncing around her head.  

I hadn’t noticed Victoria smelled like anything, but then again I wasn’t a vampire.  Mostly I was trying to decide whether or not I was super annoyed, or secretly thrilled Cristina was barging in.  She was so obnoxious and rude it made me feel even more welcome (maybe I have a problem...hmmm yes, I definitely think this would be classified as some sort of self immolation type of illness).  All I needed was to role my eyes and complain to Victoria and I would have almost fulfilled all of my thirteen your old fantasies about having girlfriends.  

“I don’t think they want us switching rooms.”  I said.  Wait, was that a two headed hellcat rug she was rolling out on the floor?  A real one?  

“Don’t tell them then, or better yet...YOU go room with Victoria and I can have this room by myself.   How did you luck out getting your own room?...  probably because you’re a siren”.   She rolled her eyes.   

Hey, the eye rolling was supposed to be my deal!  And just like that,  a little of the sparkle had gone out of the room.  All the smugness I’d felt moments earlier about finally being just like everyone else had been replaced with the remembered realization the word “siren” wasn’t going to conjure any feelings of camaraderie around here.  

“I didn’t ask for my own room.”  I said quietly.  

“Of course you didn’t...you just walked in through the front gates and the door warden probably couldn’t fall over himself fast enough to make sure you got your own room.”  She said.  She tossed a piece of lumber and a gaudy purple pillow onto the bottom bunk.   I quietly moved my stuff to the top bunk.   Just in time too, as the piece of lumber promptly started unfolding and unfolding itself into a funny looking box.   

Oh right, vampire.  

“I came through a back door.”  I said, folding up my gray dress (it looked very outnumbered...possession wise)  not that it mattered where I came in, but I didn’t like it when people got details wrong.  With Cristina, there were so many it was hard to figure out where to start.   “And if I could charm people without even trying, you wouldn’t be putting all your books in the bookshelf and hanging a pink fuzzy tassel over my lamp.”  I pointed out.  

Cristina threw her gaudy velvet pillow at me.  “That’s because I’m too smart to fall for your wiley ways.”  

“I thought you said people couldn’t help themselves around me.”  I said, picking up the pillow and throwing it back at her.  

"ladies, ladies is please!  This isn't boarding school."  A pencily thin lady with an apron so starched I wasn't sure who was wearing who, came in with a stack of linens.  Her mouth formed a thin line as she took in the zebra print flung over the existing curtains, and the pink tassels.   She turned to me.   "I wasn't aware you were allowed to redecorate?"

I was confused for a moment....this whole "sirens are seductive nefarious beings"  thing was still a new state of affairs for me.  I mean, I knew some sirens were like that, but my mother had made it very clear I was lacking in all the usual skills.  "Oh.  Sorry, they're um..."  I hesitated, not wanting to get Cristina in trouble.  Did she really think sirens decorated like this?  "...uh, they're family heirlooms."  I said, hoping my grandmother Marguerite wasn't rolling over in her grave.  

"As headmistress Evelyn of this floor, I expect you to at least keep it tidy and make sure it doesn't attract spiders."  She sniffed, she set the linens down.  "And you're going to miss supper if you don't get down to the cafeteria soon."  She said.  "It is strongly suggested you eat a light something before your first night, but of course experience is the best teacher and a fool learns from no other."  

She left, and I took my parchment out to study the map.  I'd been avoiding trying to go anywhere else, it'd  taken me long enough to find these spires where our dorms were.   Couldn't I just learn and do everything from here?  

"Oh come on, we don't need that thing.  You can smell the food a mile away."  Cristina tossed the parchment on the desk. "Maybe they have really strong coffee."  

I  picked up our robes, dare I hand Cristina hers?  Or would she make some comment about me boogey charming her stuff or something.  

"Don't touch my stuff."  Cristina said, snatching it from me, I couldn't shut off the siren part of my brain that registered the fabric as grade B scratchy wool.

"I don't want you to hex my robe to soil itself or something." she said.

...wait, did she just wink at me?  At least I think it was a wink.  It was hard to tell and I could easily talk myself into thinking I'd hallucinated it, but she was already striding down the hallway.   I ran to catch up.  There was no way I was finding the cafeteria without her nose.   Of course, if I couldn't find the cafeteria, how was I supposed to fare on rounds tonight?  My stomach lurched.  On second thought, maybe food wasn't a good idea.

....unless.  "Think they have any pancakes?"  I asked as Victoria joined us, and we made a sudden right turn down a spiral staircase.  

She wrinkled her nose.  "yuck, for dinner?  I hope not."
 
Ah well.

I didn't pee my pants and even Vampires meet their match

I thought I was going to dedicate at least a brief moment to wallowing and regretting my decision, but I didn't have time.  After taking a suicidal tangent where I demanded that Master Dartor send my stolen stone to Ol' Wizard Ozarks (Master Dartor being ancient vampire who's study I was just in and who's hospital this is) I found myself whisked downstairs.  I paid extra close attention this time to which candles went where, but I only got more confused.  Did some of the candles have tinted flames?  Did the precise amount of meltedness have anything to do with it? Who knows.   Lets hope no ones well being depends on my getting anywhere.  

I had pictured an emotional and tearful goodbye with my mother.  Maybe she would even rest her hands on my shoulders like a blessing and say something like "do me proud daughter"  (or is it only father's who say that kind of thing to their sons?)  Whatever the case, she wasn't in the laundry when I went looking for her, and the washerwoman in charge looked rather grim when I asked after her.  There was a lot of huffing and snorting, and hands on hips before I got enough useful information to realize that my mother had already left.  Gone back home without me.  

For a brief second my feet twitched and I almost ran to try to catch up with mother.  St. Hernadine's was just so... (there are no words for how huge and terrifying it is).   But before I could act on my twitchy feet, a set of green robes were pulled over my head, a cloth sack was thrust in my hands and I found myself being carried along in a veritable sea of similarly colored robes. 

Where we were going I wasn't sure, which wasn't a good sign.  I hated to be all selfish and whiny, but where were my instructions?  The people in charge telling me what to do? 

  I hate being late to even something as superficial as a party.  It feels like everyone is already having fun and no matter what I do, I will remain on the outside looking in if I'm there after everyone else.  This was like that, but a hundred times worse.  Like the nightmares you have where you can't find your underwear and you're running through the town square yelling out pumpkin pox wards.

We all filled out into a large Hall with tapestries that immediately felt like waggly eyebrows.  I waggled my eyebrows back.  A short stocky boy gave me a perplexed look.  Whoops!  I forgot that most people would assume you were making eyes at them and not the tapestry behind them.   

I studiously stared off in a different direction, hoping the boy wouldn't come over and talk to me.  A tall Centaur strode to the center of the great hall, he had a black robe draped across his shoulders which were frankly way too powerful looking to belong to someone who spent all their time inside pouring over books and remedies.  

"You all think you're something special being chosen to apprentice here at St. Hernadine's"  The centaur was saying.  

"A few days ago you kids were maybe a low level whisperer for some midwife, or an assistant to a small village healer.   You think you're big stuff because you cured some little snotty nosed pixie child of the demon pox when a grown up buffoon in your country village couldn't figure it out." 

He looked straight at me, and I burned in shame.  Yes, that was probably (definitely) me. 

"But as of today you are officially insignificant gargoyle snot in the most prestigious magical institution in the world.  The next six months will determine whether you deserve a chance to become something more than self-righteously ignorant and unintelligent."  

I already felt as insignificant as one possibly could feel.  Everyone looked like they had way more experience than I.  

"Look around you.  These fellow students of yours are not your friends.  They are your competition.  Half of you will give up and go home.  Another ten percent of you will pick easier lives within the magical world and brag about how you used to toil here.  Three percent of you will be expelled... And every single one of you will kill someone. "

The hall was silent.  I was surprised half of them didn't turn around and walk out right there, I was even more surprised my own feet stayed firmly planted on the ground.  Apparently self preservation wasn't a quality I valued anymore.  

"I heard he gives that speech to every new class."  A vampire girl with black hair said moving next to me.

She was talking to me?  

  "Hi, I'm Cristina," she said "and you're turning green."  

I quickly shoved my hands in my pocket.  "sorry...."  

"Don't take Professor Mac seriously... he almost never kicks anyone out, I heard they even let a siren in this year," Cristina said.  

If she was trying to make me feel better, she was certainly accomplishing the opposite of that. I blushed and stared at a loose thread on my green robe for lack of a better way to melt into the floor and away from this person. 

She didn't get the hint.

"Are you that uppity witch from East Bend?" She said "You're way prettier than I was expecting."  

"No, I'm Lucy" I said, hoping that she wouldn't ask me anything else.  

Wishful thinking.  She whipped a piece of parchment out and started examining it. "Lucille Billatra? No, you're definitely not a fairy.....Lucille Throng?  No...I went to rehab with her..."

 There was a list?  Of course she had a list. 

" Ah, you must be Lucille Wilkes..."  she said, "...oh."  

Enter supreme awkwardness while I watched the realization cross the vampire girls face. 

Maybe at least now she would leave? But no, more people needed to join this conversation to make it even more uncomfortable
.  
 A tow headed, gangly boy who looked more like he should be licking a lolly  and following his nanny came over and joined us.   He had such  look of hopeful expectation on his face, I wished I could have warned him we weren't the cool crowd he wanted in with.   

"So I was told to come over here with you guys,  I guess we all lucked out getting assigned to The Ogre."  He said glumly holding out his piece of parchment.  

Where was everyone getting this list?   Was I the only one who had no clue what was going on? 

"I hear he's hard, and a total pain in the ass, but he always picks the best students."  Cristina said, biting her lip and looking at the two of us worriedly.  "I'm going to go check the list again."     

I wanted to pat the poor boy on the head when she left, it wasn't his fault we were single handedly destroying this Cristina's dream of being star pupil.   I bet she was at this moment asking someone why she'd been put with us, and if she could be switched.

"I'm Tamodeous."  The gangly boy said "I saw you and your mother when you were coming in, but I didn't get the chance to introduce myself." 

Oh lovely, anything you could say about sirens, applied times ten for my mother.   I can't imagine what he saw, but I'm sure it was sealing my reputation even more.  I didn't think I could possibly have felt any more mortified than I had with Cristina, but I guess I needed to set new standards for this day.    

"Uhh..." I said.

"That's all right" he said quickly.  "You looked like you were busy."

If by 'busy' he meant, trying to keep my mother from bedazzling the floor wardens as we made our way to Master Dartor, then he definitely hit it on the head.  

"I'm Lucy."  I said again.  Like a cookoo bird popping out of a clock.  "I'm Lucy...  I'm Lucy.... yes, I'm Lucy Wilkes."  It was a whirlwind of introductions.   On our team we also had Victoria who was the "uppity witch from East Bend"  and Lox a half demon who I liked instantly because his skin was a light shade of a green.  

No one said anything about me being a siren, and I was relieved.  I was used to Sirens being if not well loved, then at least admired and respected.    I felt like the current insinuations of my low intelligence weren't fair...until Victoria pulled her parchment list out of the sack tied around her waist...the same kind of sack I had been given earlier.  Ahem.  Yes, I definitely deserved to be here. 

I pulled my list out sheepishly making careful note that there were also packets of powders, a few different sized wands and a stone that I immediately recognized as being a piece of the castle. 

Bravo Team:  Dr. Groats

Cristina Headopher- Eastern Vampire-  Tower 409
Loxadulus Barren - Mixed Hellborn - Tower 667
Tamodeous Childers -  Delfour Wizard - Tower 667
Victorian Suthers-   Mitigous Witch-  Tower 409
Lucille Wilkes-  Siren - Tower 401

 On the back of the parchment was a map? At least I both hoped it was and wasn't... it looked a bit like someone had spilled ink and let a large family of mice run through it.   The biggest give away was the yellow dot squarely in the middle of a small open space marked "lower hall #47".   When I moved two steps forward, it moved a smidgeon.    It was a sign of my awe inspiring intelligence that I was worried I'd end up more lost WITH the map than without it.  

"I hope one of you had the decency to claim our team the front seats in the cafeteria."  Cristina said, gracing us with her presence again.   I guess she didn't have much luck getting rid of us.  Bummer. She seemed like such a lovely person.

"I did." Tamodeos raised his hand tentatively like he was asking her permission to speak.  

"Right." Christina said, not even looking his way.  "And I'm not calling you Tamodeous by the way, I broke up with a pimply faced moron by that name and I refuse to be stuck saying it every day for... "  She pursed her lips.  "...who knows how long.  I hereby proclaim you to be Tad."  

I laughed.  Like I said, it often came out at the most inappropriate times.  

"Oh, how typical of a siren." She said, turning towards me.  

There weren't any vampires in Hogswallow and I guess their reputation of being as tempermental as a glass violin was true.  I shrugged my shoulders and tried to ignore her.  That's what you were supposed to do, right?

" Everythings all tinkly giggles and sultry eyes with you guys. "  She said.  "Watch your goods boys, or she'll have you for lunch."  

Tamodeous...er Tad, took a sudden interest in the ground.  Lox winked at me.  

I wasn't going to say anything, but the wink triggered the snippy voice I usually tried to keep on lock down.  "Don't worry, I haven't seen anything worth a siren's time."  I said, before clapping a virtual hand over my mouth and turning a distinct shade of green.  

"Don't think being a siren will gain you any favors here."  A rumbly voice said behind me.   

I didn't want to turn around.  Really didn't want to turn around.  This of course would be the infamous Dr. Groats who was to be my instructor, professor, god, leader, father figure and who knew what else and I had just done my level best to give a good and oh-so accurate representation of myself.  Blurgh. They'd probably lock me in a chastity belt and give all the boys cow eyed antidotes after this.  

 But the rest were all staring (He was probably disgustingly handsome as well),  and I couldn't keep my back to him forever.

He was a woman.   A really ugly small woman.  

I mean, I should take that back since ugly is usually a negative description, but she wore it more efficiently than anyone or anything I had ever met.  It made you want to be ugly too. 

 She.    

Tad's eyebrows were disappearing into his side parted hair, and Cristina was rendered speechless.  Clearly I wasn't the only one doing a mental one-eighty.  All the ogre's I knew at home were cave scroungers, or farmers at the very best.  

She took in our shocked silence with a raised eyebrow and smirk.  "Yes, 'The Ogre' is really an ogre...shocking I know."  She said wryly.   

Victoria recovered first which just went to show you how truly dumbfounded Cristina must have been. I smothered the laugh in time this time. 

"Dr. Groat, It's so nice to meet you, I'm Victoria and a big fan of..."  

"I have one rule."  Dr. Groats said.  I had no problem thinking of her as a dr.  In fact I wouldn't have been surprised if you told me Master Dardor deferred his hardest decisions to her.  She practically oozed respect and competence.  It made me feel like a cheap shade of lipstick and for the first time today I actually was mortified I was a siren. 

"Rule number one, I am always right."  She stopped for a moment to see if anyone disagreed.  Of course no one did.

"Rule number two, if I am ever wrong, refer to rule number one."  She said  "Any questions?"

It was a miracle we all dared breath.  I didn't know about anyone else, I had a million questions running through my head, but who wanted to be the person to attract her wrath?  Demon boy had more nerves than the rest of us.  Or maybe he didn't have any nerves at all (do demons have nerves?)  He rose his hand "Are those the only rules?"  he smirked.  

We all collectively sucked the oxygen out of the air and held our breaths.  

"Yes, Apprentice Barren is it?"  She said "Congratulations, you've learned all there is to know.  You can go home now." 

The smirk disappeared.  "I worked hard to..."

"Apology accepted.  Work doubly hard from now on" 

She pulled a quill pen out of her robe and yanked up his sleeve.  

None of us moved. 

 She slashed a bunch of marks on his forearm that looked a little like they were once letters but had ceased to be drawn carefully enough to be called such.  She yanked up my sleeve next.  The ink burned and then disappeared.   I rubbed the spot where it had been as she moved on down the line.  

 "These are your calling summons"  She said.  "They'll tell you where you need to be, and when you need to be there.  If I call you, you come running."   She finished with Cristina and started walking away. her strides were surprisingly long for how stocky she was, we all had to run to catch up.  Christina and Victoria exchanged a look and I tried not to feel left out. 

"The short candles go up, the tall candles go down, the wax dribblets on the right indicate what floor you're on, the wax dribblets on the left indicate which floor that candle goes to.  Memorize them.  I don't need some patient dying because it takes you twenty minutes to figure out how to get from Maladies to Dires.  Got it?" 

 

We all nodded.  My nod was more one of terror. Surely she was joking.  If innocent sick people were going to be at the mercy of my candle mapping skills, I would soon be strung up for manslaughter.  Yes, take a breath, surely she was joking.    

"St Hernadines is divided into three major sections.  The weak, ailing and dying.  Every patient in every wing will be treated with the same respect as if it were Mastor Dartor himself laying on that bed.  You are not here to judge whether or not kissing a frog in the light of the full moon was a good idea or not.   You are here to work.  And then maybe after work you can work some more, and if you feel like you've been working too much and it's not fair, then you can always work."

This time it was Christina who rose her hand.  "When will we study?  I mean, the library is supposed to be open to everyone no matter..."

"I know you're a cute little vampire, but I really don't like you."  Dr.  Groat interrupted her.

 We all stopped walking.  I don't think a lot of vampires were used to being told things like that... at least not without blood shed. Tad almost looked like he was searching for some place to take cover.  Victoria stepped behind Lox who'd grown very still. 

"You think I don't know you tried to get yourself reassigned?" Dr. Groats told Cristina who was turning very white even for a vampire.   "Is the idea of being under an ogre more than you can handle?  You can wipe that disgusted look off your face, or I can make it permanent by assigning you bed pan duty in the geriatric satyr wing"  Dr. Groat said.  She didn't wait for Cristina to reply.   

"Rounds are in two hours, I suggest you drop your stuff in your rooms and don't eat too much at dinner.  No one ever keeps it their first night.  Classes start tomorrow, syllabuses and times will be assigned based on..."

Dr. Groat stopped, pulled up her sleeve then disappeared.

We all stared at the bare spot where she'd just been.  

I had a feeling life was about to get far more interesting than pig feet in the garden.

.

Never steal rocks from vampires

I'm just going to take a moment to chill and reflect on what's happening...

Oh, who am I kidding.  I'm stuck in a hall, outside a very important looking door, in a castle that's a hospital, but looks more like a city.   There are candles that take you places and goodness knows how you know which candle takes you to which place, consequently I couldn't get out of here if my life depended on it.  I think I may have noticed that tall willowy candles went up and short drippy candles took us down, but really that's all conjecture on my part, and I hate bad conjecture. 

...just like I hate not knowing.   There's a reason I know all the ways you can reverse a smelling spell, and it's not because Tommy Hill walked around smelling roses to the point it annoyed me so much I had to fix it.  The thing is, I feel like a little girl in the way again, and I worked really hard to not be that girl anymore.   Hallways with closed doors though, have a way of making you feel like you're trespassing.

Although...

While I'm here all alone (this is where I check nervously over my shoulder both ways to make sure) maybe I should shave off a little of the floor here.  It seemed like such a simple idea back in Hogswallow but now it feels like the walls are scowling at me,   I took out my wand. and the floor jerked back like a patient about to get poked.    Before I realized what I was doing, I was sitting cross legged on the floor patting it reassuringly.  "It will just be a tiny prick and then it will be over."   Ok ok, so maybe I was going slightly insane.   

Nevertheless, the floor didn't seem quite so reticent anymore (I wouldn't say we're the best of friends yet or anything), I wasn't having any luck getting so much as a granule off the stone floor.  First I tried "tenabris tenabrae" but I should have realized a standard cutting spell wasn't going to accomplish much in a magical force of this size.   I moved on to something I would use to clip a toenail off a baby.  "Princiopio", it was practically a lullaby.  But the floor seemed offended by that.   I chewed my lip (since there was no one here to annoy)  chin in hand.  When I closed my eyes I could almost pretend I was in a meadow, my back up against an oak tree instead of a wall....fields and fields of dandelions swaying in the warm breeze.   Hmmmm.  Maybe that was it.  I changed the cutting spell slightly so it was less "bloody surgery" and more "picking a bouquet of beautiful flowers"  and whoa!  I barely had to put any oomph into that spell the floor practically offered itself up, like it wanted to be useful.  

I would have enjoyed this moment and chatted a bit more with the floor (I'd say we'd moved past the acquaintance stage and were heading towards the chummy pal stage)  when unfortunately the happy moment was interrupted by one of those awful awful throat clearing noises.   And let me just say, no one can do a throat clear quite like a thousand year old vampire.   It sort of reaches down to the grave, back in bloody time, and then returns to the present to mock you for being a tiny insignificant gnat  (which is even smaller than a fruit fly). 

So after I looked up and confirmed to my panicking brain that yes indeed there was a very old vampire standing in front of me, I did pretty much the stupidest thing I could have done.    I blame the whole "stuck in the hallway feeling like I'm ten again" because I hid the rock behind my back.  

Yeah.  That was brilliant. 

The worst part was, the ancient vampire didn't say anything!  Not a word.  He just pointed to the door I'd been previously shut out of, and now had no desire reverse that.  It was by far the worst thing he could have done, because now I had to keep wondering what he was going to say and do.  Also, it's awkward to walk with your hand behind your back, but what was I supposed to do?  Laugh and be all "oh whoops, this chunk of stone seems to have accidentally wanted itself hidden behind my back."

I followed him through the door of course, even though my better judgement was telling me to kick up my feet and try a hand a self preservation.  Vampires were like that though.  They were almost worse than sirens at getting you to do what they wanted you to do. 

The first warning sign was my mother.  Or rather, the lack of my mother.  She definitely went in the door and didn't come back out.   There was a glass tumbler very full of deep red liquid with another full decanter on an elaborate silver tray.  I was so busy staring at it (thinking the obvious) that it was a miracle my ears worked well enough to hear the vampire say "sit down" and that my legs were working well enough to comply.  My heart definitely had given up any pretense of obedience and was barely working (or over working...which is the same problem when it comes to hearts). 

If I had been thinking clearly I would have thought this was my last moment on earth.  If I had been thinking even more clearly, I would have realized that the master of a hospital full of hundreds of people, didn't need to lure a gray little siren in for food.  Of course if I was thinking really really clearly maybe he had a thing for innocent young girls (most vampires do, right? or is that a cliche).... but I digress.   The point was, he wasn't actually eating me...yet, and something in my brain was slowly and cautiously testing out a new theory.  "hey, maybe this ancient man just wants to have a chat with us."

"Your mother is fine child."  The man said.  The way he said "child" wasn't offensive at all.  Probably even ol Wizard Ozarks or Nanny Milgrin would seem like a child to him.  

"She's working in the laundry room for a few hours while she waits for your decision."

My mother work in the laundry room?  He should have picked a better lie.  I eyed the dark decanter suspiciously again.  

"She may not have had much of a choice in the matter." He said coughing a little.  I couldn't fathom him ever smiling, but his cough seemed a little smirky if I had to label it with something. 

"I don't believe you."  I said. Which was about as stupid as the hand currently holding the rock behind my back. 

He didn't reply.  Thankfully? 

"I'm sorry about the floor.  Please."  I said, shoving it towards him.  I never was good at tact.  I had been trying to come up with a more creative way out of this situation, but apparently plunging straight ahead was the flavor of the day. 

This time I got an eyebrow raise from him.  "You got a St. Hernadine to give you a piece of itself?"  He stroked his beard and gave me a the kind of look that made me immediately look at the ground.   I was really in trouble now.  The way he said "St. Hernadine" made me feel like he was talking about a beloved hunting dog or something. 

"I may have spelled it sir."  I said. 


He didn't reply to that either.

"I hear our correspondence with you...met with some delay."  He said, opening a drawer.  "Do me the honor of letting me rectify that dubious mistake."  He handed a piece of paper across to me, and when I didn't take it, but rather continued my best impression of mouth open, round eyed fish out of water, he set it on the desk between us.  It was identical to the letter stuck on our shop counter.  The "Lucille Wilkes" again stitched itself solid into the wood.  

I knew I had all those spells I wanted to try on it, and all the ideas I'd had to get it unstuck while I was out in the backyard with a pig in my lap, but now that all seemed so silly.   This was far bigger magic that I was capable of dealing with (and don't ask me how I knew that...I just knew). 

He sighed, like someone disappointed with a toddler who couldn't complete a simple puzzle.  "Pick it up."

It was a command.  Definitely a command (something I intensely dislike but am rather used to), so instead of explaining how I wasn't nearly good enough at magic to do anything of that sort, I just sort of obeyed out of habit and picked it up.

Which is why I promptly dropped it in surprise.  

The vampire didn't say anything,  he just continued to look very grave and stern.  I set the chunk of stone floor down on the desk (which made a far louder thunk than I intended) and I meekly picked up the letter and read it.

"Dear Miss Wilkes.  
                    It is with great pleasure that we inform you of your acceptance into the St. Hernadine's medical internship program for young magicals.     Your credentials and skills are of the highest caliber and we are pleased to offer you a position among other gifted young students like yourself.   We look forward to your arrival.  

                                     Sincerely, 
                                             Dr. F. E. Groats,
                                            Chief of Ill-gotten Spells and Ancient Epidemics "

I laughed.  Not because it was funny, but because I was a bottle full of conflicting confusions all shaken up, and when that happens you have no control over which one spills out the top first.    

"Interesting."   The vampire said, when it became apparent inappropriate laughter was the only response he was going to get at the moment.   "Your mother seemed to be under the impression you would immediately turn it down."

And I probably would have... probably should have.  It's better to turn something down and retain your dignity and pride, than to foolishly plow head long into something where you know you will soon be found a fraud and kicked out in disgrace. 

But the stone.  The darn floor.  It was practically humming with puppy dog expectation.   It wanted me to stay, or at least it seemed like it wanted me to stay.  It's really hard to tell with something that can't move of talk. 

And so without thinking it through.  Without realizing what I was doing.  Without thinking what this meant for my own flesh and blood mother.   I breathlessly blurted out "No sir, I would be honored."   And just like that my life went from a straight and straightforward highway in the country, to careening down treacherous switchbacks at breakneck speed in the fog. 

And that is why you should never steal rocks from vampires.